People tend to think that couples therapy and marriage counseling are for those couples on the verge of splitting up. They think of it as something only for couples who are dealing with addiction or affairs and those trying to make a last-ditch effort before calling it quits. And we want to be clear that relationship counseling can be helpful in those types of situations, but it can also be helpful for couples who just wish things were better in their relationship.
Relationship counseling can be for couples on both ends of the spectrum—those ready to call it quits on one side and those who want to make sure they have the best relationship possible on the other. A licensed therapist can help you and your partner identify and work toward overcoming the obstacles in your relationship.
Here are some examples of common relationship struggles and tips to help fix them:
You’ve lost that loving feeling
There’s something that starts to happen in relationships after you’ve been together for a while. Once the newness of the relationship wears off, you start to see the imperfections of the other person. The butterflies in your stomach are long gone and you start to wonder if that person really is as special as you thought they were. All of those little quirks that you used to think were so cute are suddenly like fingernails on a chalkboard.
If they are the person you were “meant to be with” then why don’t you feel like you did at the beginning of your relationship? This is where “I love them, I’m just not in love with them” begins to enter the picture. We think that we must have chosen the wrong person because we just don’t feel all those wonderful feelings that we felt when the relationship was in the early stages. This is where you have to move from being led by your feelings to choosing love in your relationship. No relationship is all butterflies and rainbows all the time.
How to choose love in your relationship
Love is a choice. Those fun and exciting feelings you had at the beginning of the relationship can’t stay like that forever. In the beginning of a relationship, your significant other is all you can think about. It’s hard to focus on other areas of life because all you want to do is spend time together. You think about them nonstop.
It would be difficult to live your entire life like that. As the relationship progresses, it’s normal to settle into the relationship a little. It may not feel as exciting as it did in the beginning, but if you continue to lean into the relationship, you may find that it’s grown into something that is much deeper, more fulfilling, and long-lasting.
Holding onto unrealistic expectations
Are you a fan of romantic comedies? They can be fun to watch, but they are far from how relationships work in real life. Unfortunately, when we watch too many movies with false depictions of how relationships work, it can cause us to have unrealistic expectations. Your partner is not going to be perfect. They’re likely not going to sweep you off your feet and make everything in your life better. And as long as you expect them to be like the person from the movies, you’re going to continually be disappointed.
How you can address unrealistic expectations
You don’t want to be held up to those types of unrealistic expectations yourself, so don’t hold your partner to them either. If you feel disappointed or angry about something in your relationship, explore where those feelings are coming from.
Did you expect something and it didn’t happen? Do you feel let down because your partner didn’t do something you thought they were going to do? Does your relationship feel like more work than you expected?
The simple exercise of thinking through where your negative feelings are coming from in your relationship can help you identify where you’re holding onto unrealistic expectations. Once you identify them, you can work on addressing them. it can be as simple as having an honest conversation with your partner so you can both get on the same page.
Expecting your partner to know what you need
There’s this myth that floats around in relationships that says if your partner really loves you, they will know what you need all the time. If you believe this, you probably find yourself frustrated often. You feel like you shouldn’t have to tell them that you just need five minutes to decompress when you walk in the door after work. You shouldn’t have to tell them that when you vent to them about how your friend hurt your feelings that you’re not looking for them to fix the problem for you. All you want them to do is listen.
This can negatively impact every area of your relationship. Every time you end up disappointed because they didn’t anticipate what your need was in the moment, it can start building bitterness and resentment that can lead to bigger problems.
How to improve communication in your relationship
Tell your partner what you need. People are not mindreaders. Your partner can’t know exactly what you need unless you tell them and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Share with them what your needs or desires are and allow them the opportunity to show love to you by responding to what you tell them.
Recurring conflict
Do you and your partner end up coming back to the same old argument over and over again? Or maybe it’s not just one argument, maybe it feels like all you do is argue with each other. When your relationship is in this state it isn’t enjoyable for you, your partner, or your children if you have them.
How to overcome recurring conflict in your relationship
If you want to put an end to recurring arguments in your relationship, it’s time to get to the root of the problem. When you notice that you’re getting upset or defensive in a conversation, take a moment to think about where those feelings are coming from and what triggered you to feel that way. Then communicate with your partner about the underlying issues that you’re experiencing.
This process can be difficult for couples to navigate on their own, especially if the recurring arguments have been going on for a while. Working with a licensed couples therapist can help you and your partner address these underlying challenges and move forward in a healthy way.
Growing apart
If you and your partner have been together for years, you may feel that you’re growing apart. Your interests have changed or you feel their interests have changed. You still get along. There just aren’t that many things you have in common outside of the house and the kids.
This is a lonely place to be in a relationship. It also makes it easier to start to think that someone else might be a better fit because they have more in common with you. This is a slippery slope in a relationship. If you feel yourselves growing apart, it’s time to take action.
How to continue to grow together
Remind yourself that it’s perfectly normal for people to grow and change throughout their life. There may be things that you miss about who your spouse used to be, but as their partner, you can also choose to look for things to enjoy in who they’re becoming.
Choose to find the good in what they enjoy. Choose to participate with them in the things they enjoy doing. If they like sports, watch their favorite team play with them. If they like art or museums, take them to the Carnegie Center for Art & History in Louisville or plan a getaway to a destination that will excite them. Look for ways to enter their world and connect with them and invite them into yours too.
What about the “big” relationship problems?
If you’re facing abuse, addiction, or infidelity in your relationship, we recommend you seek help from a licensed therapist or couples counselor. These marriage issues or relationship challenges often come with multiple layers of problems to work through. A therapist can help you as you sort through your situation and determine what direction you want to move, whether it’s working on healing your relationship or moving on in separate directions.
Counseling can be helpful in addressing relationship struggles if you and your partner attend together as well as if you decide to attend on your own. There are many times when couples benefit from a combination of individual therapy and couples therapy.
If you know your relationship could be better and are tired of going around in circles, reach out to one of our therapists. Our experienced team can also help you if you’re single and working on recovering from past hurts or trauma from a relationship.
You deserve to experience healthy and happy relationships in your life. We want to help you get there.
