By Katie Hockenberry, MFT-Associate
Admittedly, I am a huge fan of Friends, the 90’s to early 2000’s sitcom. While the show definitely had its flaws there are many plot lines and stories they wrote well. One of those was the character Phoebe. Often perceived as the ditzy, free spirited weirdo, I find Phoebe as one of the most authentic Whole characters in that show. Phoebe’s history is filled with trauma, her ACE score (https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean) would have been quite high, I’m sure. Yet, she is resilient, and is able to authentically live and love, and help her other Friend’s do the same.
In the The One With The Birth (Season 1 Episode 23) where Ben, Ross and his ex-wife Carol’s child, is being born, there is tension between Ross, and Carol’s current wife, Susan. Ross and Susan are fighting over their plights, and who has it worse. Ross is the Dad who is not married to the Mom, and that will create times when he is not around his son, and he has to have a different life than the one he imagined or chose. Susan is the wife, who is not related biologically to the child, and fears she won’t be recognized as a legitimate parental figure. Both are valid worries, but while they’re caught up in the problems, Phoebe highlights the goodness they both bring to this child who is about to be born. She intervenes, in her own Phoebe way, with how it is so great that Ross and Susan are fighting. She explains beautifully, that it is wonderful that these parents are fighting, because the baby is going to have three Whole parents, who are fighting over who gets to love it the most, making it the luckiest baby in the world. Bringing Ross and Susan out of their problematic thinking, and into the beauty of their situation. You can see the wise Phoebe below:
Watching this clip I am struck with Phoebe’s wisdom and ability to highlight goodness and strength, even when it seems like a time of despair. Also, I’m reminded of the importance of striving to be a “Whole Person”. Phoebe must have worked hard on her mental health, which was not discussed in the show, but she exemplifies many qualities of a “Whole” person, someone who has put forth the effort to know and love themselves, and can bring that out in others. Being a Whole person is for each of us to define, but when we get to the place where we feel whole, we can love and live authentically. Phoebe exemplifies a Whole person, in her security, love, compassion and grace she shows herself.
When you’re a Whole person, you do not need someone else to define you, and you are not reliant on someone else for your happiness. When you are Whole, you tap into your resilience (something we all have), and are able to overcome adversity. I have always been slightly thrown off when couples say they are each other’s “better half” or that this person is their other “half.” Sure there is something to be said about feeling that you have found your missing piece of the puzzle, or someone who helps life make sense and who you feel complete with. But, in a healthy relationship, you will have two Whole people, and while there are times one partner may need more from the other, they will each be healthy and Whole individuals. But, I suppose that is the topic of another blog!
Creating the self-care and the mental health healing that it takes to become Whole will take work, and will be a lifelong process. But the benefits of being Whole, are worth it. I’m grateful for the real and make believe characters, like Phoebe, who remind us to live life authentically and wholly. May we each strive to do this, and if we are having trouble finding that Wholeness, may we reach out to each other and help one another.
